


Starving souls

by Silent Monbebe (SilentDarkness)



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Alcohol, Brotherly Love, Eating Disorders, Emotional Support, Friendship, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Softness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-28
Updated: 2019-02-28
Packaged: 2019-11-07 00:02:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,534
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17949704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilentDarkness/pseuds/Silent%20Monbebe
Summary: Wonho noticed that something wasn't right and he couldn't just watch and let it happen. But maybe he should've been a bit more careful with his actions, because Kihyun isn't as confident and strong as he appears to be.





	Starving souls

**Author's Note:**

> It's my first story for Monsta X and I hope you like it. :)  
> I know Kihyun looks healthy now (and I'm super happy about that! ♥) but I just wanted to write a bit of the time he struggled with all the stress and expectations that were put on him and that he also put on himself. 
> 
> I apologize for any mistakes. English isn't my first language.  
> Have fun ♥

Ten. Ten times Wonho tried to call him already, but just voicemail. He also tried to call Kihyun‘s hotelroom, but no one picked up. Wonho was worried that he maybe went too far at their Vlive a few hours before.  
He hadn’t meant to expose Kihyun in front of Monbebes like that, he just thought maybe he would at least listen to them, if he didn’t listen to his brothers. He actually told them that Kihyun lost a lot of weight and even their trainer thought he looked sick. Wonho also made it public that Kihyun was struggling with stomach problems.  
Maybe it hadn’t been his brightest idea, but sometimes Wonho thought more with his heart than his brain. He should’ve thought about how sensitive Kihyun really was, under all his confident, always nagging personality. But he thought more about his own worries than Kihyun’s feelings. Maybe because it went on for quite a while now and Wonho’s worries grew bigger each day as he watched Kihyun getting thinner and thinner.  
At first it wasn’t a big deal, they all were dieting for some time and lost weight, but Kihyun didn’t stop. At some point he even started to feel unwell a lot and had stomach problems. That made them all worry a lot, but Kihyun blocked every attempt to talk about it. Told them not to worry and that he had everything under control. But they all knew that he lost control quite a while ago.  
And in their desperation they did the only thing they knew, and tried to tell Kihyun that his current state didn’t make him more beautiful, quite the opposite actually. Minhyuk was especially harsh when he told him that he got uglier, right in front of the cameras. Wonho had seen how hurt Kihyun was and tried to talk to his little brother after the show but Kihyun went straight to his room and ignored everyone of them. 

With a deep sigh Wonho grabbed his hoodie from the chair and put it on, then got his keycard, wallet and phone and left the room. He couldn’t sleep without knowing if Kihyun was okay, and if he wasn’t, making sure that he would be. His fellow members meant the world to Wonho, they were more than just colleagues, they were a family and he loved Kihyun so much. He never wanted to hurt him and he knew he did.  
It was already late at night and the hotel hallways thankfully were pretty quiet, so Wonho got unbothered to Kihyun‘s room. He just hoped Kihyun would open the door. He knocked softly in the rhythm of their song „Trespass“, so Kihyun would know it was a member.  
„Kihyunie? It’s me Hoseok. I just want to know if you’re okay.“, he said as loud as he deemed appropriate to not disturb other hotel guests. He waited for some seconds but nothing could be heard from the other side of the door.  
„Come on! I’m sorry for earlier. I just wanna talk okay? Please?“, Wonho knew he sounded not as calm as he would have liked, but now wasn’t the time to act cool. He listened, but the only thing he could hear was his own heartbeat, hammering against his ribs.  
„Kihyun-aa, come on, this ain’t a joke okay? I’m worried.“, Wonho wasn’t going to give up, no matter what. He wouldn’t go before he saw his brother or at least talked to him. Finally some slow, stumbling steps could be heard from behind the door.  
„Fuck off, Hoseok!“, Kihyun’s voice was low, without real heat, despite the harsh words. He sounded tired, exhausted.  
„I won’t, not until you let me talk to you. And apologize for real. Please open the door. Come on.“, he tried again, trying to sound soft. He did not want to pressure Kihyun any further than he already had today. Silence was the answer again, but then after a minute or so, the door finally was opened a bit and Wonho carefully slid inside, closing the door behind himself. 

The room was lit in dim lights, and a mess of clothes, make up and various other things, which was unusual for the always neat Kihyun. The smell of alcohol lingering heavy in the air. Kihyun was sitting hunched on the floor, right next to the bed. He looked miserable, tearstreaks still visible on his face. Wonho’s heart sank and he felt like the biggest asshole in the world. This was all his fault.  
Without hesitation he sank to his knees in front of Kihyun and softly placed his hands on the younger’s thighs. „I’m sorry Kihyunie, I never wanted to hurt you.“, he said, his voice wavering, tears already welling up. He was known for crying easily, but it always were sincere tears. It hurt him so deeply seeing Kihyun like this. His small frame, even smaller than he used to be, so broken and far from the confidence he usually had. But maybe he always had a lot less than it appeared in the first place.  
„Don’t touch my skinny body! I’m sure it feels disgusting to you!“, Kihyun hissed and tried to move away, his words a bit slurred and movements slightly sluggish. Wonho hoped he didn’t drank too much.  
„That’s not it! For fucks sake! That’s not why I said it! I’m fucking worried about you! Don’t you get that?“, Wonho got louder, because he was upset. Why didn’t Kihyun understand? He cared so much about him and he just wanted him to be okay, to be happy. But the younger male didn’t listen, he tried to get free from Wonho’s grip and to get up. Wonho grabbed his wrists, maybe a bit too tight, but he felt so desperate. Kihyun stopped struggeling for a moment and their eyes met.  
„You are beautiful… always.“, Wonho told him earnestly and shook his head when he saw Kihyun opening his mouth to protest.  
„I know Minhyuk said you got ugly. He didn’t mean it that way. He just wants you to see that you always were beautiful… you don’t need this. You don’t need to starve yourself and train until you break down from exhaustion.“, no words seemed enough to explain the pain and worry he was feeling for his little brother though. It hurt so much.  
„What do you know? You have the perfect body… abs and all that…“, Kihyun almost whispered, looking away to hide the look of envy on his face. Wonho knew he had always been jealous. To be fair all the members, and probably the majority of all male k-pop idols were a bit jealous of him, but Kihyun had a really hard time, wanting to get abs, but being stuck with a rather soft body.  
„It’s never enough though… there’s always someone who tells me I’m too fat or to skinny or too muscular. Even some monbebe told me I scare them with my muscles. You can’t listen to them. Listen to the people who see the real you.“, Wonho loosened his grip and instead put his hand gently on Kihyun’s cheek. It was burning hot and too cold at the same time. He could feel the bones, where once full, round cheeks were. Softly his thumb stroke over the skin of his brother. It broke his heart that Kihyun almost unconciously leant into it.  
They should’ve done this a long time ago. Not the tough love shit, but showing him real love and affection. But maybe he wouldn’t have let them, at least not if they came at him all at once. 

„“You were already perfect. Body and mind. Until something inside you broke. And I’m so fucking sorry I hurt you. I never wanted to make you feel bad. I just thought… if Monbebe would tell you this… you would listen. More than you would to us. To me.“, tears fell freely down Wonho’s face while he spoke and caressed the man that was like a brother to him. They all became his family and it was torture to see any of them sad or hurt. Kihyun started crying too and finally fell into Wonho’s arms, his face pressed into his shoulder. Sobs shook his small frame. He said nothing, just cried against Wonho, who held him tight, relieved that Kihyun let him back in his life after locking everyone out.  
Wonho wanted his brother to feel safe, because he knew how fast the world could be spinning around you. Life as an idol wasn’t easy, far from it actually, and they all fought with their insecurities. But sometimes they made the mistake to try and hide them even from their fellow members, and without support they broke down after a while. It happened to all of them at some point and they swore to never let it happen again, but here they were. Pride was a dangerous thing.  
„I love you so much, Kihyunnie.“, Wonho whispered and softly stroked Kihyun’s short, black hair, voice full of affection. „I won’t let you fall… we won’t let you.“, he promised and he would make sure of that, even if it was the last thing he would do.  
He had watched long enough, had seen Kihyun skipping meals and training like he was possessed. Heard him throwing up the little bit he had for dinner later, and making excuses for it. „I love you too…“, Kihyun sniffled through tears and he wasn’t one to say these words lightly. It meant a lot when he did. 

Wonho pressed a gentle kiss to the side of his head. He knew it was gonna be hard. He could tell Kihyun a thousand times how perfect he was and he wouldn’t believe it. His brother had to learn to accept himself again. But they would support him, not matter what.  
_It’s us seven now._ That’s what he said when they were chosen in the final of No Mercy. Back then they were little more than strangers with the same dream. Now they knew each other better than they knew themselves.  
„I’ll stay here tonight. I’ll make sure you’re safe okay?“, Wonho said and carefully got up, before holding out his hand and helping Kihyun up too. The room was a mess, but that could wait until tomorrow.  
„You don’t need to, I’m not a…“, Kihyun started to protest, but Wonho interrupted him. „I know. I just want to be here with you. I don’t want to be alone either.“, he said with the most innocent and cute smile he could muster and which made every Monbebe’s heart flutter. Normally his brothers were pretty immune to that, but Kihyun smiled weakly and nodded after a moment.  
They got under the covers of the big bed and with some hesitation Kihyun actually snuggled up to Wonho and layed his head on his chest. Kihyun often wasn’t as comfortable with skinship as the other members. It took him some time and sometimes he just couldn’t stand someone touching him at all. But at other times he almost craved a gentle hug or a caring pat. They learned to know when he needed what.  
Kihyun still smelled like booze but Wonho was just glad he could hold him safe. He felt even more fragile than before to him and it was frightening. Like Kihyun could dissappear at any moment, just like that.  


„Monbebe wanted me to lift my shirt… but I couldn’t. Not with my fat stomach. And everyone was calling me a hamster because of my cheeks… I feel so fat. I don’t want to be cute. I want to be sexy. Like you and Shownu.“, Kihyun said quietly. Wonho sighed.  
„We are all different. You can’t be like me or Shownu and you shouldn’t be. Just like I can’t be you. And you are sexy! Oh god please don’t make me say this ever again… but you are.“, Wonho said in mock agony, as if it was the worst thing in the world to picture Kihyun as someone with sexappeal. „Don’t you see the comments from Monbebe’s? They are crazy for you! When you are on stage they are melting in front of you, and only one look from you is making their knee’s weak. You don’t need abs or some shit. They like you the way you are and those few that don’t, well there are always some. I had to learn that too.“, Wonho knew Kihyun was there for him when he struggled with that. He tried to please every Monbebe on this planet, but it just wasn’t possible.  
„Real Monbebe care about you and are happy if you’re happy. No matter what. That’s what you said to me back then, when I struggled with my weight and muscles. Remember?“, he asked.  
„Yeah… I wish it was as easy to follow the stupid shit I tell others, myself.“, Kihyun sighed. Wonho softly rubbed his back, because he knew how hard it was not to listen to all those voices in your head, telling you that you’re not doing good enough. He was still fighting them everyday, they all did.  
„We’ll take care of you, I promise. I know we didn’t do the best job in the last months because we were so busy, but I won’t let it happen again. You’re not alone.“, the older firmly said and it felt a bit like back when he was younger, with his blood related brother in his arms, comforting him after he had nightmare.  
Sometimes he thought that he was so much closer with his members, than his brother. They spent almost every minute of the day together for the past three years and he loved them as much as if he had known them since childhood. They all bickered often, play fighting happened on a daily basis and no one was safe from pranks, but when they were seperated they felt uneasy and alone. They needed each other and Wonho knew it. 

Kihyun moved and looked up to Wonho, a serious expression on his face. „It’s not your fault okay? I know you tend to think everything that goes wrong is, but it isn’t. It hurt. I was shocked earlier because you shot it so bluntly in my face, in front of our fans. I couldn’t deal with it and… I was angry at you. So fucking angry. I thought: What is it your business? But I get it now… I really do. You just cared about me. You came to me and… it feels good… not to be alone.“, Kihyun admitted and Wonho smiled a bit. Sometimes Kihyun could be really cute. He wouldn’t tell him right now, but he was cute like this. All soft and sweet.  
He nodded and gently pushed Kihyun’s head back to lay on his broad chest. „Sleep now, okay? I love you Kihyunie.“, Wonho whispered softly and held his little brother tightly.  
„Love you too Hyung.“, Kihyun whispered back with a little sigh, slowly relaxing into the strong arms. Tomorrow would be better. They could survive. Maybe not on their own, but together. Wonho slept better than he had the last weeks, knowing he held his brother safe.


End file.
